New Village, New Life
by Margaret Luna Sullivan
Summary: Everything changes for Harry in the summer after his second year at Hogwarts. The Dursleys have moved to a new village, and Have had their view of 'normal' turned upside down. Sit back and watch the fireworks! Harry Potter/Vicar od Dibley crossover.
1. Chapter 1

The Homecoming: Part 1

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"Well?! Come on, boy, we haven't got all day!" Vernon Dursley stated, for once oddly being almost civil to his 12 year old nephew. "Gotta get back to those freaks, after all. Heaven forbid they find us missing. Hell, that grossly overweight, chocolate scoffing Vicar is the sanest of the lot of them!" Harry raised one amused eyebrow. While unsure of what his uncle was talking about, Harry wasn't going to spoil the miraculously civil mood Vernon was in with questions. Better to let Vernon rant, and find out what he was talking about that way.

Vernon grimaced. "And don't get me _started_ on the insanity, nay, the _freakishness_, that must have invaded the Church of England! Honestly! Women Vicars! What next, homosexual Bishops?!" Vernon was working himself up into a blazing temper. Harry was deeply grateful that his uncle's vitriol for once wasn't aimed at him. Ron, Hermione and various others were watching the unfolding scene with curiosity, apprehension, and various other mixed emotions.

"Vernon, calm down. Even the _freak's_ _friends_ are looking at _us_ strangely. There's time enough to rant at the boy when we're in the car." Petunia Dursley attempted to placate her husband. She then turned to her nephew. "Well, you'll be a welcome change,. Harry. With you, all we need to worry about is that weird stick and where it's pointing. I never would have imagined moving to Dilby or whatever it's called would mean having weirdos, nutcases and deviants for neighbours, or I wouldn't have agreed to it. As it is, you and the Vicar are likely to be the sanest people there, barring us."

Petunia paused, as though in thought, before continuing to tell Harry about the Dursley's new neighbours. "Oh, and a pair of dentists who recently moved there. They've got a daughter who's away at some boarding school in Scotland, but they can't tell us much more about it. Girl's name is Hermione. Hopefully she's just training to be in MI5 or something sane like that."

"Um, not the Drs. Granger, by any chance?" Harry dared to ask. "Yes. How did you know?" Petunia was suspicious. "Aunt, unfortunately Hermione is just as bad as I am. Hell, she's even in my House, and she's one of my best friends!" Harry replied, now worried.

"Hmmm. Her parents spent some time singing the praises of a boy named 'Harry Potter' to us. Vernon just assumed it was another Harry Potter, and humoured them about how wonderful the boy is. If you got up to even HALF of what the Drs Granger have been telling us, then I have a spanking with your name on it, young man! I will NOT have you putting your life in danger like that, don't you realise just how precious you are to so many people?!"

Harry gaped at her. "What are you talking about, Aunt? You hate me. At least Uncle does, and you and Dudley don't really give me much reason to believe you feel any differently. The whole world hates me. Either that, or they worship me for something I have no idea about." Harry was bewildered, and for once was daring to voice his feelings. Petunia looked confused for a few seconds, as though trying to work out why her only nephew thought she hated him, before her eyes cleared and she nodded at him, smiling sadly.

"Vernon doesn't hate you, Harry. He was badly traumatised by one of our world's 'magicians' once, and when he tried to copy some of another 'magician's' tricks, his parents punished him, because he got it wrong and ruined one of his father's good ties and hats. Since then, he has been terrified of anything that appears out of thin air, or does what it isn't meant to. He's so terrified of it that he didn't want anything 'unnatural' in the house. I had to convince him to let you stay in that stupid cupboard, because he didn't want Dudley 'contaminated', or some such rubbish, by whatever it was that made you do strange things. He's terrified of whatever it is. I think Dudley only bullies you to please his father."

She smiled, as though remembering something fondly, before starting to talk again. "I have to admit that having a half-full teacup I had only just put down on my saucer suddenly become a gerbil didn't exactly endear Lily's unique skills to me, either. I have to admit that I actually feared them for some time, until I found a few books explaining wand movements among other things. I was fascinated by them, but couldn't do any. On the other hand, I apparently have a gift for Potions. Of course our parents were more proud of Lily, because her tricks were more noticeable. That used to make Lily mad, now I remember for some reason. I made a really good fertiliser for our garden, but it was Lily who got the credit for it, no matter how many times she told our parents it wasn't her."

"Ah." Harry smiled, hoping the single word would convey his understanding. "Well that explains an awful lot. I'm guessing finding Muggles who are stranger than I am has really thrown poor Uncle for a loop?" "Indeed." Petunia looked amused. "And where did you learn a line like that? I didn't think your lot used our vernacular." "Oh we use whatever speech patterns fit the situation. I'll probably stuff up and say 'Merlin's Beard' at some point. I know I said 'for God's sake" at least twice, and got looked as strangely."

Petunia laughed at this. "I can well imagine. I meant it though, young man. If I find out you got up to even HALF of what the Drs Granger are claiming, then you, me and the hairbrush are having a LONG conversation." Harry blinked rapidly several times, before turning to Hermione, who was standing nearby. "Is _this_ what having a family who cares about you feels like?" "Yep. Don't bother trying to escape it, you're better off just taking it at the time. 'Get it over with' and all that jazz. Then the whole situation just blows over, and everything goes back to what I call normal." "That's good. I'd like to avoid what _I_ call normal." Harry replied. "Seconded" from Vernon of all people. "Motion carried unanimously" Petunia added, before starting to laugh at the astounded look on Harry's face. It was at this point that Dudley decided to insert his greeting to Harry, which began, oddly enough, in the form of correcting his mother.

"The place is called DIBLEY, Mum. Honestly, we move to a new town and Mum can't even bother trying to get the name right!" Harry had been wondering when he would hear from the remaining Dursley. Oddly, Dudley seemed to have only good things to say about their new neighbourhood. "Hello, Harry. You might be interested to know we've finally met someone who's more hooked on junk food than Dad and me combined, and people who are crazier than your lot. Having said that, Gerry's really nice, even if she should go on a diet."

Well, that was a bit rich. Porky and The Lardball suggesting _someone else_ needed to go on a diet was just too much for Harry, and he gave in to the moment of weakness that allowing his eyes to bulge slightly would be perceived as. Oddly enough, Vernon clapped him on the shoulder, clearly misinterpreting Harry shock. "Ah, good. I see we actually managed to instill some NORMAL values in you at some point, Harry!" The man chortled, before taking hold of Harry's trunk. Come on, the car's just over here, we've got a bit of a drive before we reach our new home area."

Harry just nodded. "Yes, Sir." When Vernon's mood was this good, the safest answer to any comment for Harry was a quiet 'Yes, Sir'. Harry had learned this early, and it seemed to satisfy his uncle. Harry picked up Hedwig's cage and followed his family to the car they were waiting by. It seemed Uncle Vernon had gotten a new car, but this one looked a lot nicer than the one they used to have, and there was a lot more room for everyone. Also, oddly, the backseat had a minibar-type fridge, which Dudley said was full of juices and various flavoured waters. Apparantly, someone at Smeltings had gotten Dudley hooked on flavoured water, and now Dudley was converting the rest of the family. Would wonders never cease.

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AN: Okay, chapter one out of the way. Up next: Dibley meets Harry Potter, and Harry meets some of the most interesting characters he's ever seen.


	2. Granger Reunion

Granger Reunion

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Disclaimer: As usual, I own nothing. Vicar of Dibley belongs to the BBC. Harry Potter Belongs to J.K. Rowling. And I have no idea who invented hairbrushes, or corporal punishment, both of which have a minor cameo in this chapter, and feature strongly in the next one... or maybe the one after that, I'm not quite sure yet. Either way, there's going to be spankings in this fic, but they WON"T be the focus. And since I didn't invent the concept of them, whoever did owns them.

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After watching the Dursley's antics with something resembling amusement, the large crowd slowly dispersed, each group going their own way. Hermione and Harry said one last goodbye to the Weasleys, then Harry hugged Hermione and hurried to catch up with his family, certain that this summer would be an eye opener. If only he had known how right he was. But that's for later. Right now, the Granger family is having its own reunion, and that is where we shall join them.

"Aunty Gerry!" Hermione Granger moved quickly through the crowd outside Platform 9 &3/4 at Kings Cross Station, and into the waiting arms of her favourite aunt. The Reverend Geraldine Granger was Andrew Granger's elder sister. She was also one of the few (at the time!) female Vicars in the Church of England, and her parish was a sleepy little village named Dibley, in Oxfordshire. Hermione had been delighted to learn that her parents had moved there recently, as the local area was very pretty and, unbeknownst to many of her acquaintances, Hermione truly loved country life.

"Well, Missy, come back to steal my chocolate, have you?" Geraldine teased. It was well known to all who knew Gerry Granger that she was addicted to chocolate. What was less well known was that she was fast becoming addicted to life in Dibley, even though her many letters to her young niece had been full of tales of the strange things her parishioners got up to.

"You know it, Auntie! And I'm introducing you to pumpkin juice and butter-beer and I've got Chocolate Frogs and more of those string-mints mum and dad love and loads more to show and tell you. But first I want to know if Alice has grown a brain yet? Has Mrs Cropley's cooking improved? And is Mr Pickle still a 'pontificating old poop', if I quoted Mr Newett properly?"

"Slow down, Hermi-girl! I can't keep up with you when you talk that fast!" Gerry laughed, happily. "I'm looking forward to having pumpkin juice and butter-beer, they sound really nice. No, Alice is still dippy. She can't help it. And Hugo's still utterly clueless about her. Lettie's cooking will probably NEVER improve. We've grown used to it, and sometimes she does produce something that is actually quite tasty, if you ignore the weird combination of ingredients. And Frank's just Frank, and I doubt anything will ever change that. Owen hasn't changed either. David's still pompous, Jim still procrastinates. No, honey, nothing's changed in Dibley since you last visited, probably nothing will ever change, and I think I like it that way. Although I may enlist your help in banging Hugo and Alice's heads together if they don't work something out between themselves very soon!"

"Gladly, Auntie! It's so clear those two were made for each other, I can't believe they can't see it themselves! Hermione laughed. "Hi mum, hi, dad. How are you both? Do you like Dibley? Have you got a new practice? What are the neighbours like?" "Slow down, Pumpkin!" Andrew exclaimed, hugging his daughter. "We're great, Dibley is gorgeous- but then you know that already- and we love the place, the neighbours are an interesting crew, although I will admit that the most ordinary people I have met are the Dursleys, closely followed by David Horton, although he is a bit pompous."

"Indeed," Marissa Granger spoke next. "David's son, Hugo, is very sweet, in a bumbling sort of way. So's young Alice Tinker. Gerry and you are right, those two are made for each other. Owen Newett is a little strange, but as far as bedroom pursuits go, I would have to say Jim Trott is the worst. Constantly talking about different things to do in the bedroom, different people to have in the bedroom, and various other things to do with that sort of area. Either that, or he's saying 'no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, something.'" "And by 'something'", Andrew interjected, "your mother could mean 'yes,' or ''maybe', or 'no, or any other word at all. Jim appears to be a talented procrastinator, especially when it comes to speech patterns.

Hermione couldn't help laughing at this. "I take it you love the place as much as I do, then? What do you think of the Dursleys?" "Yes, we have well and truly fallen in love with Dibley," Andrew replied. "Vernon and Petunia are interesting people, although they are a little obsessed with making everything in the universe fit into their view of 'normal'. Dudley's changed a lot, according to Petunia. Also according to Petunia, the changes are all good ones, and she's proud of how much Dudley's improving himself. Vernon's in shock. Apparently, they thought Dibley would be nice and quiet, and instead they've ended up surround by people who make the 'freak' look normal. By the way, who's the 'freak'? Apparently you know him?"

"I think Mr Dursley was referring to Harry, Mum. Harry having magic makes him 'freaky' to the Dursleys, and they haven't really treated him well as a result. You saw Harry ask what had changed their minds. I'm guessing they're all reeling still from finding a village full of people who are weirder than Harry. And the worst bit, for them, is that all of the folks in Dibley are Muggles, as far as I know. So called 'normal folk' who are weirder than the 'freak' has to be really confusing for the poor Dursleys."

"Well, that would explain why Vernon seems to be wandering about like someone stole his compass," Mari replied, laughing. "I think without the idea that magic is the strangest thing on earth to sustain them, the whole family is feeling a little lost and bewildered. I'm glad you spent a lot of holidays in Dibley over the past few years, otherwise we might have been in the same boat. As it is, I'm sure they'll grow used to Dibley, and to the villagers. I just hope they won't be too hard on Harry, he looked like a deer in the headlights back there for a moment."

"I think that was more out of shock than anything else, Mum. The Dursleys haven't always been the easiest people to get along with, and they haven't always been as civil to Harry as they were, either. In fact, I have a feeling the few 'freak's that were uttered may have been more for old times' sake, or for appearances than out of any real malice. And Harry seemed more confused than scared by Petunia's threat, although I know quite well I'd be trying to run as far as possible!"

"Bad idea, Hermi-girl. Running away is a sign of cowardice. Its also a sign of unacceptable defiance. Parents usually punish you harder if you run away." Geraldine broke in. "Yeah, I know. Doesn't mean I wouldn't be doing everything possible to get out of it, though. Harry seemed almost like he wasn't sure whether he was meant to be scared, or eager." "I think that might be because he wasn't. I hope they know the proper procedure, especially aftercare, for a situation like this," Marissa replied. "And Petunia had a point. If even HALF of what was in those letters of yours is true, missy, you're in for the same as Harry's getting!" "Uh... I... Uh... We had to... You-Know-Whowasgoingtotakeover... Norbertwould'vediedifwedidn'tsendhimtocharlie... !" Hermione gabbled, panicking.

"Who, and/or WHAT, is 'Norbert'?" Andrew asked, stepping up beside his wife, and placing his hands on his hips. "Hagrid's baby dragon. We convinced him that he couldn't keep Norbert, it just wasn't safe. And Charlie Weasley's studying dragons in Romania, so we wrote to him and he said he'd take Norbert. And we used Harry's invisibility cloak to get Norbert to the top of the Astronomy tower, but we left the cloak up the tower after Norbert was safely away, and Filch caught us, and we got detention in the Forbidden Forest and Harry ran into You-Know-Who and Fang's a coward and Malfoy's an idiot and-" *Whack* Marissa's hairbrush to the seat of her skirt stopped Hermione's flow of words halfway through that train of thought. "And that, young lady, was a downpayment on what you can expect once we get home!" The elder Granger female added, dangerously.

"Yes, mum" Hermione whimpered, ruefully rubbing her bum with one hand while holding onto her trunk with the other. I guess we'd better go, then, before we make a scene?" "Yes, good idea," replied Geraldine, as Andrew was trying to calm his wife. He knew by the time they got back to Dibley that Maissa would be simmering, rather than the boiling mad she was now, but he thought it might be wise to have Gerry drive, since Marissa was too mad to.


End file.
